A few weeks back, a friend of mine was talking to me about the end of a relationship he had been in for a few years. As he was describing it from his standpoint, he said she “couldn’t just love him for who he was.”

That same week I had another conversation with someone who had lost his job, apparently because of his attitude and inability to get along with some of his colleagues. “I was just keeping it real and saying what’s on my mind,” he told me. “If they can’t respect that, I don’t know what else I could have done.”

There is a pervasive view that people need to accept other people unequivocally for who they are. To expect you to act in a way contrary to your nature or to change who you are as a person is a completely unreasonable demand.

I couldn’t disagree more, for four reasons:

  1. There are aspects of your character or life that aren’t awesome.
  2. You are not one person.
  3. You are not immutable – most of the traits that make up who you think you are? They’re changeable.
  4. It is appropriate for people to expect things of you, to want you to be better than what you are.

You aren’t that awesome.

The human condition is one of self-delusion.

When your girlfriend tells you you’re too quick to anger or you don’t show her you love her enough, she’s probably right. When your boss tells you you are lazy and undisciplined, he or she is probably right. When your buddies tell you you’re arrogant or selfish, they’re probably right.

It’s hard to hear we’re not all we think we are. But it’s critical we have a feedback loop to call us out, because we’re simply incapable of seeing ourselves as we truly are.

The thing is you know this already. There’s a reason self improvement is one of the most popular sections in the bookstore. You’re willing to listen to some author tell you that you’re not all that hot – why can’t you listen to people who truly know you?

This need is magnified for people who are high achievers. It can be easy to get used to hearing about how talented and smart you are, which makes seeing your flaws even more difficult.

When Roman generals would return after a successful campaign, they were welcomed with a huge parade with thousands of Roman citizens cheering and showering them with gifts. To keep themselves in check, one of their servants rode in the chariot with them, whispering in their ears, “All glory is fleeting.”

There is certainly a need for discernment here – some people truly are toxic and make themselves feel better by ripping others apart. You shouldn’t listen to these people, and then probably remove them from your life.

But most people who are close to you don’t fit this description. It’s more likely the criticism is coming from people who love you and want you to be flourish.

You are multiple people.

When people argue others should love them for who they are, they’re ignoring the fact that there are a multitude of people living inside of them, battling for control.

When you take up a new exercise regime you a war rages between Fat You and Skinny You. Fat You says that it’s cold outside and it’s going to hurt and the blankets are nice and who cares if you miss a day? Skinny You says that you’ll be happier, have more energy, be a better lover and be more likely to play with your kids. Each day you have to decide whether Fat You or Skinny You is going to win.

You are a bundle of paradoxes. You’re excited and depressed. You’re organized and a slob. You hope and you fear. You’re a good person who fights with greed and arrogance and anger and pettiness on a daily basis.

So when you want someone to love you for who you are, which one of you are you talking about?

Most of who you are is changeable.

I’m not the person I was five years ago. Neither are you.

The argument that someone should just love you for who you are is foolish because who you are right now is different from who you used to be and who you will become in the future. You are constantly in flux.

This isn’t to say there aren’t non-negotiable or fundamental aspects to who were are as people, but there are far fewer than we think there are.

Habits change.

People love to hear anyone can be creative. They hate to hear anyone can be organized.

In my past I’ve had some terrible habits. I spent money foolishly. My life reflected a general state of disorder and chaos. I didn’t have goals or areas of priority. I procrastinated regularly.

None of those were fundamental parts of who I am, and I’ve managed to gain a degree of control over most of them. As a result, my life is more in control, more focused, more fulfilling and more peaceful than it was five years ago, in spite of the increase in activity and obligation.

I still have bad habits. I have yet to master the snooze button. I am too short with people when I disagree. I still dominate too many conversations, and I don’t listen nearly enough.

But I know those aren’t part of who I am. Those are bad habits that can be fixed, and I’m working to fix them the same way I fixed how I handled my money or time management challenges.

Lots of people tell others and themselves “I’m just a disorganized person” or “I get on edge when I get hungry – it just happens” or “I can’t help it if I’m blunt.”

They’re wrong.

Values change.

Ten years ago I was obsessed about achievement. Being successful dominated my thoughts and was the governing force in my life.

Some people don’t find anything wrong with that, and back then I didn’t either. But my life had little balance because of it. I wasn’t a very good friend or a very good son because of it. And it reflected a lack of understanding about what actually matters in life.

These days I still work hard, but my values are much different. I work hard because God gave me certain gifts and put me in the richest country in the history of the world and I feel an obligation to make good use of the gifts and privileges I’ve been given. I work hard because I want to provide for my family. I work hard so my employees can have good, fulfilling jobs.

It’s possible your values are wrong. It’s almost certainly true your values are going to change.

Morals change.

I am a Christian and believe in the immutable nature of morality. But I don’t think that means I have consistently correct beliefs about morality. I have blind spots that I hope to remove over time.

Ten years ago I had much less compassion for the poor and issues of social justice than I do now. I had a warped view of the importance of money and achievement. I didn’t think that AIDS or the plight of people in Africa or the hatred of homosexuals was my problem. I’m not proud of any of that, but thankfully in each of those areas my beliefs have shifted.

For people who believe in objective morality like I do, this one is tough. It requires a willingness to simultaneously have strong convictions about your beliefs while maintaining the humility that you might be wrong and will probably understand certain things differently with time.

For everyone, it’s likely you don’t believe the same things you believed when you were a kid or when you were in college. The state of flux might decrease but won’t stop – you’re going to believe different things in 10 years than you do now.

People have a right to expect more from you.

Not everyone, of course. But I would argue the closer you are to someone in relationship, the more of an obligation you have to humbly listen to them and accept their feedback.

The irony of this is that we seem to be more sensitive to the opinions of people who don’t even know us. People aggressively monitor and manage their social reputations online, but bristle at the tiniest piece of feedback from those closest to them.

You can complain about your boss all you want. But you were hired to get a job done. You were hired by a company that has certain standards of performance and values it cares about.

There might be certain things you truly can’t change about yourself or things you find morally objectionable, in which case your best option is probably to leave. But in most cases, you should probably listen to your boss or colleagues with a humble spirit. A good boss wants to help you develop and grow into a more capable team member, and growth requires changing who you are now to become a better version of yourself.

Likewise, close friends and romantic partners should have your ear. If you’re dating someone who you think might be marriage or long term relationship material, you should stop bristling when they admonish you for bad behavior.

The best way I’ve found to create a spirit of humility in romantic relationships is to adopt a servant mentality. Instead of asking what she could be doing for me, I try to actively look for ways I can better show her I love her. With this mindset, it’s more likely I’ll want to change a bad habit she routinely complains about. I’m more likely to take a proactive role in becoming a better husband.

The best relationships I’ve observed have this spirit. Both partners mutually submit themselves to each other. They listen with loving hearts when the other tells them that a behavior or habit hurts them. They create a virtuous cycle where they’re continually looking to love the other one better.

The next time you find yourself wishing someone loved you for who you are, check yourself. It’s likely you’re trying to justify something about yourself that isn’t that great. Have the courage to examine yourself thoughtfully, to humbly receive feedback from those close to you, to recognize it’s most likely changeable, and to have the conviction to make change happen.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Oliver-Crangle/100003079637271 Oliver Crangle

    “A few weeks back, a friend of mine was talking to me about the end a relationship he had been in for a few years. As he was describing it from his standpoint, he said she “couldn’t just love him for who he was.”

    That same week I had another conversation with someone who had lost his job, apparently because of his attitude and inability to get along with some of his colleagues. “I was just keeping it real and saying what’s on my mind,” he told me. “If they can’t respect that, I don’t know what else I could have done.””

    Homonyms are words that sound a like but mean different things. Here you take two similar sounding quotes that have entirely different contexts and jam them into a round square slot all so you can proclaim “Look at me!”

    “Likewise, close friends and romantic partners should have your ear. If you’re dating someone who you think might be marriage or long term relationship material, you should stop bristling when they admonish you for bad behavior.”

    Seriously dudebro professor, you have no idea of what your friend was experiencing, or for how long he had been experiencing it. You’re just like, “man up my bitch, yo.”

    “The best way I’ve found to create a spirit of humility in romantic relationships is to adopt a servant mentality. Instead of asking what she could be doing for me, I try to actively look for ways I can better show her I love her. With this mindset, it’s more likely I’ll want to change a bad habit she routinely complains about. I’m more likely to take a proactive role in becoming a better husband.”

    Wowzers, what an enormous cross. I bet toting that thing around has given you a great six pack.

  • http://www.daviddrury.com/ David Drury

    This is well done, Sean. Good thoughts. My pal Paul Hontz put me on to this, and I’m glad he did. Shared it.

    It reminds me of how marriage, as Gary Thomas says, not intended to make you happy, but intended to make you holy. When people say they fell out of love with someone because “they changed” I have thoughts similar to this article–of course we change. We are supposed to grow and change over time.

    I’ll be back.

  • meh

    “There’s a reason self improvement is one of the most popular sections in the bookstore”

    Whatever! I read a compelling argument a long time ago that there are really only two sins in the modern world: Pedophilia since it can be said society is strongly against it and the act of not self improvement…

    The other sins forget about it – most of us do it. You’re looking a bit fat in your photo for instance. Fuck Gluttony eh?

    Alain De Botton has argued the whole self improvement thing largely stems from status anxiety which is symptomatic of Democracy – Communism piss you off much?

  • Michele

    To grant yourself the possibility to change and transform into whatever your HEART wants, and not your head desires and dreams and plans mumbling about success and power and money and greatness, you NEED to be loved for the fact that you exist. And, most importantly, you NEED to learn to fully love and accept YOURSELF. Your (true) SELF.
    If you start thinking that you are not that good and let people impose standards of perfection on you, how can you find your true self and transform into whichever form you are here to be?

  • Vimarsh

    Awesome!!! This was an eye opener!!

  • Jack

    Don’t agree with most of the points you brought up. Being confident is very healthy for anyone ;)

  • dan garfield

    agree with Oliver Crangle. this is a shitty blog post that reveals mostly that Sean Johnson is a moralizing prick without alot of empathy.

  • Chandan

    I think it’s a good article. But there’s a subtle line between “being open to criticism and trying to change yourself” and “being a total push over”. The lesson probably is you can be open about your values and beliefs — things that bother/harm others, but you should not stop being yourself, with all your obsessions and weirdness.

  • abd

    You’ve attached a super catchy “click on me” title to a bunch of banal, common sense observations about people.

    Best of all – you’ve given nothing to support the headline.

  • Avatar

    “I work hard because God gave me certain gifts and put me in the richest country in the history of the world and I feel an obligation to make good use of the gifts and privileges I’ve been given.”

    So you talk about self-delusion, but you seem to be a victim of it. If somebody ‘gave’ you something concerning your ‘gifts’, those were your parents, exactly in the same way as other parents ‘gave’ AIDS to their children. Your country is not the richest in the history of the world, and actually is the one who has caused more problems to the rest of the world and directed pupet governments against their societies in the third world for profit. You don’t live in the happiest and best place, you will be surprised what the rates of happiness are in the outside compared to where you live. Material possessions give no happiness, you’ll see how you become more and more depressed as more you properties you have. You’re not privileged, you’re just a slave, and you contribute to the chain by enslaving more people.

  • notAjesusFan

    i stopped reading at ‘Christian’, you have some issues and it shows.

  • Eric

    Sean,

    Your post is full of words like “should”, “shouldn’t”, “feel an obligation”, “expectation”, “right” etc… You mention you’re a Christian, and I am too, and so I would encourage you to think deeply about what Jesus meant when he said he came to FULFILL the law. (Matt 5:17)

    We know as Christians that Christ has satisfied (fulfilled) every moral demand, obligation, expectation, and command in the Bible — every “should”, “ought to”, and command that God has stated in the Bible has been totally cleared by the grace of Jesus. Thus, not a single act performed out of duty/obligation or “should” can possibly make us “more right” or “more loved” with God than we already are in Christ. To restate, it is NOT POSSIBLE for God to love us any more than he does right now.

    If that is the kind of love that God has for me, then that is the kind of love that I want to have for others. God’s love + grace in Christ covers over ALL my faults and ALL my failed obligations to have “better” behavior… all of my efforts to “work on” or “fix” my own bad behavior don’t make God love me any more, and they tend to just burn me out, especially if the motive is obligation/duty and not love. And so, I wish to show that same love to others.

    And before you reply… Yes Sean, “as iron sharpens iron” so to speak, but let us also “speak the truth in love” (Eph 4). We know the heart is deceitful above all things, but let’s allow the unchanging love of God to do the work of change in our lives, not out of a guilt-ridden sense of obligation, a prideful sense of duty, or fear of unmet expectations by others.

  • Brandon

    Good post dude, this is so true! Dont let all these people discourage you. Most people want to make excuses instead of being willing to change, and anyone that points that out they are going to hate on.

  • http://djwonk.tumblr.com/ David James

    Dan, please read what you wrote and think about it. Do *your* words make *you* sound empathetic? Do they make it sound like you are judging (not that different from moralizing) yourself?

  • http://djwonk.tumblr.com/ David James

    I am quite sorry that people here seem to interpreting and twisting well-intentioned and kind words into something else. Avatar, there is no shortage of negative, mean-spirited interpretations if you want them. But why not seek to understand and look for the good as well?

  • http://djwonk.tumblr.com/ David James

    Is it fair to say you are unwilling give someone else with a different view a chance? Why is that? I’m not Christian, but I read this and gave it a chance — without agreeing with all of it.

  • http://djwonk.tumblr.com/ David James

    Actually, his four points support his argument. (By argument, I don’t mean something you have to agree with, but an attempt to persuade. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argument)

  • melissajoykong

    Like your comments a lot, David James; they are spot on. It’s a shame when great posts get so deeply misinterpreted (based on the intended message).

  • http://www.thepetedesign.com/ Pete R.

    I completely agree with you about “Most of who you are is changeable”. People are capable of change but only if they wanted to. Most of the time, they thought they are like that because they are raised/born like that but the truth is if they wanna change it, they can.

    If you know you spend way too much on clothes, why can’t you change that? If you know you eat a lot, why not exercise as well?

    Very open minded post. :)

  • Chatman Richmond Jr.

    This kind of post is bound to be polarizing. There will be people who agree with it, but this is likely because they’re already in the mindset to allow this advice to take hold. Others will write it off as the same holier-than-thou nonsense they hear/read everyday. I’m somewhere in the middle: I agree on some level with the intent, but the execution rubbed me the wrong way.

    I agree that pride will kill you, but when you receive criticism it’s also important to consider the source. People who expect more of you can also cross the line into expecting too much. Let’s take the boss who says you’re lazy and undisciplined. You may well be, but according to whose standards? Your boss could be a micromanaging fiend who calls you shiftless even if you take a five minute break. It wouldn’t be right of them to expect more of you if they aren’t willing to accommodate others.

    When you let someone into your life, personal or professional, both parties are making a few trade-offs. It’s up to each person to determine what they can and can’t compromise over, so I can’t agree on the idea of adopting a servant mentality. I feel relationships are more of a partnership, an implicit agreement to accept the best and worst of each other while encouraging mutual change. Mutual is the key word here. There’s a difference between encouraging someone who is already leaning toward change and trying to force them into it. Unless you knew your friend’s situation that intimately, you can’t make an assumption about either.

    Your last paragraph implies (I don’t know if it’s true) that you think the people mentioned in the opening could have avoided their situation if they had done more to accommodate it. The problem being that you’re also assuming they wanted to. When push comes to shove, unless we have our own reasons for doing otherwise, we’re more likely to want to be with people who more closely align with our values. As you said, values can change, but they’re painted more by our own experiences and personality shifts than outside influence.

    I’ll conclude this rather long post with a personal anecdote, since this isn’t the kind of thing you can approach with hard evidence. I was dating a wonderful girl whom I had much in common with. There was a few things we couldn’t stand about each other, but we were able to work through most of it. There was one massive elephant in the room: religion. She was a devout Catholic, and I’m just not religious at all. We had a series of escalating fights over that, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. I did try going back to church with her a few times, but it just made me too uncomfortable to continue. Her faith was as much a part of her values as it wasn’t a part of mine. There was just no getting around it, and even though everything else was great, this made us miserable every time it came up. So we split, and we were better off for it.

    You can’t tell me I should have tried harder over something that couldn’t be reconciled BECAUSE of who we both were. Her reason for living derives from faith, while mine comes from an inner conviction that just has no room for it. For either of us to ask the other to change that would have been unreasonable and couldn’t be called love. If we did make that change, it would have undermined the reasons we fell for each other in the first place, since so much of who we are stemmed from that one fork in values.

    Therefore, I have to conclude that people do on some level have to love who you are, and they also may not necessarily love who you feel you have to become for their sake. It’s a delicate balance to honor the needs of others while not setting aside our own and vice versa, so don’t take my disagreement personally.

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  • rooh

    I don’t insist on being loved because of who I am. But I insist on being loved despite who I am.

    I know that I have faults. And I know that I also have blind spots for my faults. Getting feedback for my faults is a good thing; I am willing to work on myself based on this feedback.

    But the bad thing is when I get not just feedback, but the implication “You don’t deserve my love because of these faults.” This is, sadly, a worldview which was always part of my education. My parents frequently said things like “Your room is a mess! Pick up after yourself because if you don’t learn to keep your house in order, you are never going to find a man willing to marry you.” This wasn’t emotional blackmail, they truly believed that everybody will (and should) despise a messy person (or a lazy person, or a dumb person – dumb being defined as getting grades below A).

    My current boyfriend is a high-achiever, just as I am. He is nice in many ways that my parents aren’t. He respects me in ways in which my parents never respected me. This is why I am happy to spend time with him, to work with him together on hobby projects. But still, I have some misgivings about him – which fall into the “he doesn’t love people despite who they are” category. When I make a mistake, he does not show any compassion, instead he sits there and says things like “Yes, this was dumb.” When a good friend of his is very anxious about throwing away her job and moving to a different city, he says “The job was terrible anyway, so there is no need for that drama.” Rationally, there may not be need for drama, but the compassionate reaction would have been to reassure her, to help her find out why she is so anxious, to help her construct a more positive expectation of her move – not to tell her that her feelings are inadequate, this is just dragging her down.

    In my life, I have only ever met one person who was willing to love me despite my faults. And this was what helped me start a combat against many of them, a combat in which I have been making steady progress ever since. He did not let me run around full of myself, thinking that I am perfect. But while he saw my faults and gave me feedback on them, he also acknowledged them. He did not make me feel ashamed for having them. With him, I didn’t feel like having to hide them. I was not trying to deny and suppress them any more – this is like a game of whack-a-mole. Instead, I could talk openly about them with him, which gave me the confidence to confront them and start doing something constructive about them.

    Sadly, this person has a wife and two sweet children. So when we fell in love, we decided to sever all communication, instead of destroying his family by starting an affair. Now I continue to live my life, and wonder if I will find such a man again. Or if people like him are so rare that I should be happy to have found my current bf, in whom I have seen no bad sides beside the lack of compassion for people who make an error. But my point is that being close to somebody who loves without judging is truly amazing. And it is exactly this love without judgment which people mean when they are looking for somebody to love them “for who they are”. And in this interpretation (as opposed to no-need-to-change-my-faults interpretation this article takes), this desire makes a lot of sense and is worth pursuing. I can only wish everybody to experience being loved in such a way.

  • prupru

    Iterate, iterate, score, score. Works with everything.

  • Maryna

    In Your Own life you are the only person, who makes the decision.
    It’s highly unfair to yourself to spend the life, being a toy in somebody’s hands (your life partner, best friend, or bunch of different people).
    It can make you a “better” person, but will you become the happy person?
    You have the only one life. And the main point is to spend this time happily.
    It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t change, but you should always consider, if this change will make you happier.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mimi.ono.9 Mimi Ono

    Just ask him to respect your feelings. Feelings are not always logical–that isn’t the point. You have a right to your feelings, even if others don’t think so. They are not you, inside your mind, feeling your heart beat, your sadness or joy. Sometimes, all you have to do is ask.

  • corislepp

    i’m not sure how dan or oliver came to their conclusions about this blog post, but i find their reactions overly harsh. they seem to be reacting more from a place of not wishing to evaluate themselves like your post suggests rather than from having a fair critique of your writing and intent behind it.
    i actually liked this a lot. as for listening to others and their opinions of us, there will always be people who are exceptions to this. for instance, an emotionally abusive parent. yet, this is something you mentioned, that there are exceptions. so i think this was well thought out, and it’s something we should all try and think about, if indeed we are at that level of self-awareness and are actually capable of evaluating ourselves.

  • register

    Lol at the pseudo-intellect in this holier-than-thou blog post. I love when people think they are so enlightened, that they feel compelled to tell the rest of the world about their metamorphic, life-altering experiences and then proceed to tell everyone how they should ‘evolve’ just how they think they have.

    Hey Sean, maybe YOU aren’t that interesting or amazing, but guess what – other people are. I know you think you have it all figured out, but in another ten years you will look back and realize what a misdirected, arrogant, self-righteous prick you were when writing this nonsense.

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  • CJ

    Thank you for writing this, it is so refreshing. I completely agree with you. I acknowledge your courage to speak and appreciate you sharing this perspective.

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.e.ashworth David Edward Ashworth

    Humans (and other critters as well) are like dynamic –and sometimes quiet -storms that rotate quietly and violently with their perceptions and opinions and actions changing. Inside they are still humans and deserve understanding, deep understanding whenever possible.

  • K

    The irony is that Jesus is said to love all people unconditionally. This is more proof that (imo) most Christians are not followers of Jesus, just idolizers of him. Christians always talk about how much Jesus loves us and the “sacrifice” he made for our sins (which by the way makes absolutely no sense), but rarely do they put the focus on his teachings or truly try to follow in his footsteps. Yes, Jesus “loves” us (if he actually knew he was talking about 21st century Americans – a laughable prospect), but his most important message (imo) is that what you do to your fellow human, you do to him. He invited others to serve, so I suppose the ideal to strive for is serving without judging others. This would have been a better topic for a post.

    I can understand your intent was to inspire people to better themselves. In that context, this article has a positive impact. Self-reliance and stoicism were attributes I imagine Jesus had as well. They are critical factors that contribute to success and stability in life. However, I don’t like the implication that it is acceptable to judge others. Judgement may be a Christian behavior, but I don’t believe it to be something Jesus would do.

  • K

    Non-judgement is the core tenet of Taoism. Look for a Taoist.

  • Marcus

    I love what the author posed for discussion … overall, I believe most human beings agree with or have discovered his opinion but, they refuse to change out of selfishness, fear or lust.

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  • yo

    the person who wrote this wants everyone around around him to fulfill his own needs, people “should” nothing, love is not about demanding others to change for others, is about acceptance, the bible commands you to love your enemies, not to change them, telling people they should change themselves to accommodate others(you), is very selfish, you must be one of those obnoxious extrovert who wants others to change for his or her own benefits, no I should not change and you as a christian should love me anyway

  • Willaim Yambou

    Fantastic, that is all I can say.

  • Blythe

    Another author once put it this way: He said he wouldn’t be comfortable in a relationship with someone who would expect him to change “beyond what I can do in the relationship.” That’s where the difference is – Should you be asking someone to change their career goals, personal dreams, level of introversion/extroversion? No, but that’s not what this author is implying. In the realm of “What I can do in a relationship,” though, there’s a lot of room for growth. If someone interrupts you while you’re talking about something serious to laugh out loud about something he just thought of when his mind was wandering from what you were saying, should you pretend that didn’t bug you and just accept that your date has an active mind or whatever his explanation is? No, you wouldn’t and shouldn’t. It seems simple – and surprising that so many people don’t see the difference, so they continue to look for that “right person” who will accept their cherished bad habits. In real life, I had to break up with that person who peppered every conversation with inappropriate interruptions. I gently pointed out how his behavior made me feel, and he apologized but talked as if he had no control over that behavior. I didn’t think he was bad or even un-awesome, but it’s impossible to have a relationship with someone who has no faith in his own relational abilities.

  • Aaron Stites

    All bullshit, don’t fall for it.

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