I’ve been friends with this girl for 10 years, and the entire time her life has been a shining example of someone making a difference. Whether it was working with rape victims in college or helping AIDS patients or teaching African communities about gender equality or planning events to raise money supporting ecotourism and sustainable development or working with Make-A-Wish or genius rats…everything has been about helping others and trying to address some of the largest problems in society today.

When we were in high school together we were often lumped together when people would talk about overachieving students – we were in the same organizations, went to the same functions, were offered the same scholarships.

And then our paths diverged. I decided to go into business and she went into non-profit work. Which would be fine, if we had both held onto the ideals that drove us. But one of us forgot about most of what he cared about. One of us forgot that his life and talents and abilities aren’t ultimately for the benefit of himself but for the world around him.

One of us abandoned service while the other came to epitomize it.

It’s hard realizing how far off that track I went. It’s not just a matter of the organizations you choose to work for – helping kids find a college and then stay in school is a noble enterprise. It’s more about motive – what drives me to do what I do. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s almost entirely about doing work that I enjoy personally and being rewarded for it – no more, no less.

My wife and I talk often about our goals – what we think we want to be doing in 5 years, 10 years. And until recently, those conversations centered around where we wanted to live, what kind of house we wanted, the places we wanted to visit, when the right time would be to have little ones, etc. When work came up, I’d talk about the entrepreneurial venture I’d start that’d bring me excitement and challenges (and if I’m honest, rewards for my bank account and my ego.)

I recently heard a sermon talking about this couple that followed a similar path. They worked hard and saved and were able to retire early, and spend the rest of their lives traveling around the world, gathering photos and seashells and memories of wonderful food and activities. And when they died and got to Heaven, God asked them what they did with their lives, with the time granted them. All they could offer him was a handful of pretty seashells. The pastor’s conclusion – “What a colossal waste of life.”

Thankfully, those conversations in my house have started to change. I’m realizing (or more accurately remembering) that my life is supposed to be about more. I ache with sadness at the countless opportunities passed by over the last 10 years, but am starting to be encouraged about what I can do with my life in the future.

Though it will certainly manifest itself differently, I’m hopeful I will have the courage to follow in Courtney’s footsteps. I know there are no shortage of sedatives lurking around every corner, aiming to knock me back into a stupor of comfort and safety and self-centeredness until I wake up an old, greedy, miserable man. They’re opiates I’ve fallen for hundreds of times in these 10 short years, and it will certainly take effort to force my brain off the well-established track it’s found itself on.

It will require substantial changes in habits, in my choices about how I spend my time, what I read, what I dream about. It will require a lot of learning and re-learning – It’s been so long since I focused on things outside of my own needs and wants that I haven’t the faintest idea what directions I should start directing my energy and free time.

Luckily I’m not alone – I have a small group of people that can serve as my inspiration and sounding board, my muse and my source for accountability. And in my wife I have the most concentrated ball of energy and support and love anyone has ever been fortunate enough to be around. And ultimately I have a God that has probably been waiting for me to wake up for a long time, and that wants more than anything to take the special gifts he’s given me and use them to make the amazing creation that is his world a little better.

One topic of discussion has stayed with me in the past week. One of the speakers talked about the concept of a shadow mission. He said that we’ve been blessed with talents and skills, and those skills can take us down two paths. One is a mission where we feel called, where our work and our time and resources benefit our employees, our customers, our neighborhoods and our society in powerful ways. A mission that is soul-filling, world-changing, life-altering.

And then there are the missions that all to many of us end up chasing instead. He called it a shadow mission – a mission that serves nothing but our own egos, benefits ourselves more than anyone else.

I thought about that a ton in the last week. I’ve had tremendous opportunities come my way in the past few years, and in essentially every case I’ve chosen a mission that was self-serving. I’ve done things to improve my portfolio. Done things to make money. Done things to have my colleagues think I’m smart and valuable. Done things in order to satisfy just about every prideful, egotistical urge in my body.

We learned about a guy in San Francisco who used to be homeless. Someone took the time to help him dig out, saw him as more than a vagrant, helped him recover his life and his livelihood. Someone who cared. And since then, this guy has spent his time putting together a weekly ‘Homeless Karaoke’ downtown. Once a week, over a hundred homeless folks are able to come together and laugh and sing and dance and forget about how frustrating and defeating so much of their lives are outside those walls. Once a week, they’re treated like people.

There’s a guy who runs a shoe company. For every pair of shoes he sells, he makes enough money to give a child in South America their own pair. Has given away thousands of pairs of shoes in the past few years.

We learned about a pastor and former congressman in Jamaica New York who is almost single-handedly credited for rebuilding his neighborhood. He purchased a retirement community and built a school to improve the quality of life for both ends of the neighborhoods demography. He purchased dozens of homes and sold them dramatically below cost to neighborhood residents to help them become homeowners who built equity and finally escaped the tyranny of poverty. He built a model that other communities are following to transform their own neighborhoods.

And I build websites and give talks at conferences and write blog posts to make more money and to make myself look good. Aside from tithing, just about my entire life is dedicated to a shadow mission.

The wife of a friend of mine was hosting one of those parties where the salesperson comes and shows the myriad of uses for candles in your home. My buddy was going to be the only male in attendance, so I volunteered to come up and represent the gender.

During the party I met about a dozen women in their late 20s and early 30s. Most of them were married, most either had kids or were getting ready to. And most were shockingly negative.

They went around the table for hours discussing how one’s love life comes to an end once you marry or have kids or buy the house or whatever. They talked about how you should enjoy life while you can, because once the young ones come around you’ll be poor, tired, bored, busy, out of shape, stupid and lonely.

It was a sad prognosis, but one that appears to be extremely common among women in our country. They were talking about the staggering number of housewives who have become meth addicts, about the number of housewives who cheat on their husbands, about the number of wives who are diagnosed with depression.

What in the world is going on here? Why is marriage the cause of such destruction?

Before I got married, I spent a long time thinking about what it meant, what my vows that day were truly about. It didn’t really occur to me until a few weeks before the wedding how big a commitment it is – I mean, I knew it was important, but I don’t think it penetrated the core of my being.

When most of us talk about marriage and what it means, it tends to be pretty surface level. We talk about someone who we enjoy hanging out with. We talk about someone who is beautiful and intelligent. We talk about someone who has similar interests or ideas about the world. We talk about how “in love” we are.

I’ve written about this before, but the Greek language has four different words for love. The most common is the word eros, or erotic love. It’s that euphoric feeling we get when we most often talk of love. I’d be willing to bet it’s the only kind of love that most of us have ever felt. And sadly, it’s probably the only kind of love that exists between a great many couples who decide to take the plunge.

There’s another kind of love called agape – and it’s love from the soul. It’s the kind of love that characterizes Christ’s love for the church, and it’s the kind of love that he calls husbands and wives to share for each other.

It’s a love that is about much more than ‘good feelings.’ It isn’t about being ‘in love,’ about the things that so many of our movies and songs and poetry are preoccupied with. It is a lifelong devotion that surpasses all other things in this world. It is very literally considering the life of the other person as being more valuable than your own, and doing whatever it takes to ensure that their life is cherished and cared for and treated the way God would want it to be treated.

I honestly believe that there are many marriages out there that lack this love. They lack the fundamental foundation that defines a solid marriage – indeed, they lack the purpose for which marriage was created in the first place.

It’s the only explanation I have for why “life” is allowed to get in the way. I know all about the demands of work, and I do feel as though I can understand in some way the demands that having children and mortgages and the like can have on a couple.

But for a marriage that is based on agape, none of those things could ever upset that balance. They could certainly cause stress or concern and would likely involve discussions that are sometimes heated when trying to come up with solutions. But as powerful as a house payment or a child crying in the next room or a three week sales trip is, it is not strong enough to overthrow the power of agape.

Agape means that regardless of the situation, no matter how stressed out I am at work, I will still make it a priority to let my wife know that she is loved. I will go out of my way to make sure her needs are cared for – not just financially, but physically, mentally, emotionally, interpersonally, vocationally, spiritually.

Agape means that when there is a conflict, I will do whatever I can to make sure it gets resolved constructively and mutually. It means that I will not get bitter or angry or say something that I don’t mean. It means that I will happily compromise instead of digging in and holding my ground for the sake of holding my ground. And it means that if an impasse is reached, I will consider her needs above my own, make her needs my needs.

Agape is completely and utterly selfless. It is perpetually tuned into the needs of the other person. It is the surest way I know of to keep a relationship happy and healthy.

Some would say that they’ve never seen agape, and certainly have never experienced it. Some would even argue that it goes against our basest human desires and needs.

I agree – while in one sense it is something that requires a lot of work to acheive and maintain, in another sense it is something that we can never possess or feel by working at it. I believe it is a grace that is given to us, something given out of love from the One who understands agape in all its fullness. It’s not human, never was. It’s a gift.

Marriage isn’t about fuzzy feelings or being in love or about forming a family unit or about tax breaks. It’s about being given the immense privledge of trying to practice agape in our little ways. It’s about being able to see a small echo of what it’s like to love someone the way God loves us.

It’s about having agape, that fire of divine love, and doing everything in your power to keep that flame alive. Like a candle.

Or like a cheesy, contrived metaphor.

I’m tired of living in a culture that tells me it’s okay, I can do what I want. I’m tired of being told that everything is subjective, tired of being told that I can rationalize away my worst thoughts and deeds. I’m tired of being able to chalk my lowest moments up as ‘learning experiences.’

I’m tired of seeing people make commitments to each other with no intention of honoring them. I’m tired of hearing about couples getting married only to divorce within a few months. I’m tired of flippant, off-hand comments about someone cheating on someone else, as if such behavior is natural, expected, normal.

I’m tired of being let off the hook.

I want to meet people who don’t insist I put on a mask to hide my faults. I want to meet people who are willing to call me on my bullshit.

I write one day about the perils of greed, and the very next I pass right next to a guy asking me for help. Call me on it.

I say something in jest that makes someone feel a little less respected, a little less honorable, a little less beautiful, a little less amazing than they are. Call me on it.

I cut corners on a project because, hey, it’s not like anyone else is giving 150% anyway. Call me on it.

I write something clever. People tell me it’s clever. I puff myself up like I was the source of my ideas, my intellect. Call me on it.

Don’t tell me that I’m being too hard on myself when I point out my faults. Help me work on them, help me become a better person, help me keep the curtain pulled back. Don’t make it easy for me to slip back into normal habits. Expect better from me.

And then take the next step. Expect better from yourself as well. Don’t put on the mask. Someone asks you how you’re doing – tell them. Show your warts. Talk about your demons. Ask to be held accountable.

It’s so much easier for us to slip into a mode that says everything is okay, as long as we’re happy. It’s easy because no one expects anything more from us. Because if they expect more from us, they have to take the next step and expect more from themselves. And that’s a difficult thing to do.

I don’t know how to change the world for the better. I don’t know how to convince our leaders to make intelligent, moral decisions.

But I do know that if I want to hold them accountable, I have to start with myself first. I can’t rail againt my leaders or my friends or my family for lying or cheating or stealing or boasting or hurting others unless I’m willing to first confront myself.

And when I do confront myself, openly, honestly….I find a lot of dirt.

There are so many things I do – daily – that I’m not proud of. Things I’d like to do differently. I screw up all the time. I’m not strong enough to live the way I know I should. Not on my own.

I need someone to hold me accountable. But the person holding me accountable can’t do so unless they first examine themselves. And once they do so, they find a lot of dirt. They discover that they too need someone to hold them accountable.

Our lives, the organism of humanity, appears to me to be more and more related to accountability. We are not islands. The decisions we make impact us, often in the long term, almost certainly in the short term. Our decisions impact those around us, those we love, those we don’t even know exist.

Unfortunately, our nature seems to lend itself to screwing up. Nobody’s perfect, and that’s probably on purpose. But the answer to screwing up is not to be let off the hook. The answer isn’t to rationalize it away. The answer isn’t to call it life and forget about it. The answer is to strive to be better – to resolve to lie to each other less, steal from each other less, hurt each other less.

And the best way I’ve found to support our push to be better is to have someone to hold us accountable. Someone who loves us enough to not let us off the hook, to cheer us on when we succeed, to rebuke us and build us up when we fail.

Are you willing to be held accountable? Are you willing to examine yourself? Are you willing to hold someone you love accountable n similar fashion?

If we did so, I bet the world would very quickly become a much different place.

This is not a Republican or Democrat or Chinese or American or Christian or Muslim or Jewish or Agnostic issue. Try to see this movie and not be absolutely convinced that you have a moral imperative to do something about it, to make a difference in some way in your own life. It really is that important.

I beg you to see this movie.

Source: The Belmont Foundation

The world needs more noble men. Our women, overworked, underappreciated and underloved, need more noble men. Our children, desperately longing for someone to look up to, someone to admire who isn’t pitching them sports drinks or sneakers or nice cars or cheap women need more noble men.

Noble. That’s a powerful word. How many of us would be comfortable being characterized as noble? How many guys, if they look into their hearts, into the places no one else sees, would come out on the other side thinking that such a claim is justified?

I know I certainly fail this test. I was blessed with not one but two great fathers who in practically every way far surpass me in the department. I’m often distracted, often waffling, often unwilling to stand up for who I am and what I believe in (at least in the real world, away from the security blanket of a computer screen.)

But I know that I must change. My soon-to-be wife depends on it. My children will one day depend on it. And so will yours.

The world of free love, of pursuing careers before relationships of depth, of insincere vows and drive-through divorce centers – the world of cheap commitments and easy outs has made it easy to be a flake. In the name of “just trying to live one day at a time, trying to do what makes me happy,” so many of us men have become spineless. Not about our conquests in the world of business or the basketball court or the nightclub. But in things that matter.

Like having the strength and courage to tell a woman that you love her and only her and meaning it.

Like having the bravery to stick around when money gets tight and stress levels shoot through the roof and babies are crying down the hall.

Like being able to guide a young boy as he grows into a teenager and a young adult, teaching him that honesty, discipline, responsibility and virtue aren’t boring, old-world concepts but represent some of the highest aims a man could reach for.

Like having the fortitude to tell a close friend when they’re screwing up, loving them enough to hold them accountable so that their lives and the lives of those around them don’t represent more ticks in some statmaker’s record book.

I got to hear from a lot of amazing people last week, people who’ve sold their companies for tens of millions of dollars, people who appear to have it all together. I got to watch the Heat battle back against the Mavericks, watching the best of the best battling it out on the court, doing things that my slightly overweight pale butt only wishes it could do.

But in the end, the IPOs and the buyouts and the behind the back passes and the dunks over three guys and the fleet of vintage cars and the swagger and the killer instinct have absolutely nothing to do with what makes you or I a great man. Those are just games, those aren’t the arenas that seperate the proverbial men from the boys.

Nobility is forged and earned in our homes, with our families and friends, in our souls that are desperately trying to find something that will make them feel whole. Nobility is acheived when our lives are lived with honor, integrity, honestly, compassion, self-control, faithfulness, love. And all to a greater degree when no one’s looking, when the press isn’t trying to quote us, when people aren’t looking to put us on a pedastal and toast to our greatness.

The men who acheive nobility in this fashion are the men we need to admire, respect and emulate. They are the men who change the world. They are the men who live lives worth talking about.

If you’re a father and you feel you fail the test of nobility as I have, I pray that you make this year different – for your sake and the sake of those you love.

If you’re not a father, I pray that you think about the kind of man that you are and the kind of man that you wish to become. Forget about the money and the awards and the notches on your belt – think about the kind of man that the world really needs, the kind of man the woman in your life will need, that the little boy or girl and their pliable, fragile life will need. Think about what it would mean for you to be noble.

If you have a father and you haven’t told them yet, tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them that their efforts have not gone unnoticed, that their love is felt, that their counsel and guidance is appreciated. Tell them that you admire them more than they’ll ever know.

Happy Father’s Day.

But perhaps the most remarkable thing about it is the sense of cooperation. I have never seen anything like it. If you have something you want to do, if you have an inkling of an idea that may have legs, there are dozens of super-intelligent people out there more than willing to help you out. Whether it’s offering advice, sharing wisdom from their own journeys or making introductions, it is astonishing how generous these people are.

I’m preparing to move to Chicago, and there’s been something I’ve been thinking about doing for quite a while (inspired by one of the smartest guys I’ve ever met here in the city.) Yesterday I threw out some feelers to the web community, not really knowing what to expect. The response was swift and overwhelming – people who have enormous responsibilities who have no business wasting their time talking to some idiot whose skill set consists of booger jokes and burning businesses to the ground immediately were offering advice and suggestions, putting me in touch with folks who might be able to help. 24 hours later, I have a much better understanding of what I’d need to do and what I need to think about. And there’s absolutely nothing in it for them – they don’t know me, they’ve never heard of me, and anything I could offer they already have (except they’re probably better.)

It’s at once inspiring and humbling. Imagine if the world operated like this. Imagine what it would be like if everyone were as generous, thoughtful and selfless as these folks are.

What if that were the real lasting impact of this whole Web 2.0 thing?

We as a society love to prize the man or woman who can do it all. We force thousands of college students out the doors of our universities each year with a diploma and an unwritten mandate to work 80 hours a week to ‘make a splash.’ We drill it into them that success is exceedingly important, ensuring they do whatever it takes to add a few extra cents to our price per share.

Of course, if they’re good we do reward them. But being good all too often means neglecting other aspects of their lives. They marry without understanding the commitment that covenant involves. They have kids thinking that they can realistically maintain their responsibilities both at work and at home. Over time, they’re left in a mode of being consistently stretched to their limit. When they’re working they’re beating themselves up for not being at Jason’s soccer game. When they’re making brownies they’re silently stressed about all the work they’re not getting done.

And that’s just the work-home dynamic. All the while, they’re not exercising enough, not reading enough, not volunteering enough, not talking to their friends or extended family enough.

We long for a simpler life, a life with less stress, more fulfillment. We wish we weren’t tired all the time. We wish we didn’t feel like we were constantly neglecting some important aspect of our lives. But we haven’t the faintest idea how to actually accomplish this.

We tell ourselves that we’re just casualties of our society. The world of today places these demands on us, just as it does to everyone else. There’s nothing we can do – except do our best to cope.

But what if there was a simpler life to be grasped – what if there was a way to find a more serene, peaceful, balanaced way of life?

What if you could say ‘no’ to people? What if you could decide beforehand how many commitments and of what variety you would undertake, resolving not to take on anything further? What if you could make a commitment to work on at most five projects or take on five clients, and be able to confidently turn down anything more, even if they were to be spectacularly profitable for your career or business?

What if you could stop desiring to be ‘well-known?’ What if you were to reject the notion that being more blogged about or technorati’d or whatever represented some measurement of success. What if you didn’t care about your online identity nearly as much as you do?

What if you resolved to use plain speech? What if you stopped trying to manipulate people with your words, stopped trying to get people to understand you or see your way? What if you stopped flattering people when you didn’t really mean it, racking up a series of small favors in hope of being repaid someday? What if you could only use 1000 words a day, and had to give up the ability to explain yourself? What would your words be? What if you could do this without worry? What if everything that came out of your mouth was full of honesty, sincerity, grace?

What if you could stop desiring more? What if you made a resolution to identify a standard of living you could be comfortable with, a standard you wouldn’t rise above even if your means expanded considerably? What if you made the decision that as long as your needs were met, the rest of that money could be given away to people or causes that could benefit dramatically from it?

What if, every month, you went around your house and looked for something that you deemed valuable…and gave it to someone you knew who’s life would be blessed by it? What if, instead of cursing aloud to anyone who would listen when that 10 year old stole my iPod in the subway last year, I just gave it to him before he could take it?

What if we approached our financial life as a system of pipes instead of a system of buckets? What if money was an instrument to be freely shared instead of a status symbol to be hoarded?

What if we got rid of our televisions and read more books, visited more museums, took more walks, made more friends? What if we played outside more – when was the last time we actually played?

What if we realized that our kids laugh 20 times more often than we do? What if we tried to be less serious, more joyful?

What if we got closer to the earth? What if we studied the trees and the flowers and the birds and realized that their existence was singular, their purpose clearly defined? What if we realized that maybe our lives are supposed to be similarly ordered?

What if our lives were meant to be focused on one thing, on one Person? What if that person were able to give us everything we needed to have happy, healthy, productive lives? What if that balance we could never seem to find were given to us – if we realized that everything, including ourselves, has a season, a proper time and place? What if we were to submit to those cycles of life, and to determine the proper place for everything by asking this Person who loves us and desires our happiness?

What if simplicity of life weren’t something to dream about but something to be grasped? What if less really was more?

I used to rationalize it by saying to myself I was busy with other things. I was running a couple student groups, I was coaching football, I was working a job, I was spending a lot of time at the local bookstore reading marketing books. Besides, I was a good test taker so generally my grades ended up fine. And at the end of four years I got to stand on stage and accept an award for student leadership.

But the truth was I was being irresponsible for four years. My education was expensive, and I was cheating myself (and my folks) by not sitting there every single day, learning about waiting lines or beta or cumulous clouds or whatever.

To this day, I periodically have this nightmare about college. It’s always the same – I’m in the final semester of my senior year, and I’m all set to graduate. A week before finals I realize that I have this biology class (it’s always biology) that I’ve never been to. I’m going to flunk the class, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It sounds stupid, but the fear is absolutely petrifying.

When I got out of school, I started a company with a few guys. And as many of you know, I proceeded to burn it into the ground. I could chalk it up to any number of things, but the truth is I wasn’t willing to do the things I needed to do to make it successful. I didn’t manage my money that well. I didn’t ask for help or advice nearly enough. And the biggie – I did anything I could to avoid going out and selling myself.

Once again, I was being irresponsible. I was acting like a child.

In a few months, I’m getting married. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I’ve come from, where I’m going, all the ways my life will change as a result. Making the decision to get married is a very adult decision to be making. And last weekend, I was overcome with fear. It was the same feeling I felt when I had those nightmares. It was the same feeling I felt when my company burned down. It was the fear of knowing that you no longer have the option of acting like a child.

I’ve realized recently that the guys growing up in America today have the luxury of avoiding manhood for a long time. It didn’t used to be that way – you were expected to provide for the family at a young age. You were expected to work the farm, or become an apprentice in some trade, or commute to the local factory. Your parents lived with you when they aged, and you were accountable to take care of them – you couldn’t simply shuttle them off to a retirement community and avoid having to deal with them.

These days, the world is different. Relative to the rest of the world, we grow up in safe, affluent neighborhoods. Only some of us have parents who expect us to work when we turn 16. Many of us are given cars, our tuition is paid for, and when we get into trouble we have folks ready and willing to bail us out. Our culture tells us that we should wait to get married, wait to have kids, and avoid “settling down.” We’re told to not worry about picking a major in college, because we’ll end up changing careers anyway. The billboards and television advertisements around us tell us to spend everything we make. We’re think that the best uses of our time after work consist of either getting plastered at the bar, gambling online, playing with our new XBox or posting pictures of ourselves taking bong hits on MySpace.

We’re fat, happy, rich, people living in a fat, happy, rich country. And our culture has created a bunch of 20 and 30 and 40 year old boys. Men are in desperately short supply.

The problem is that we don’t see anything wrong with this. Our women have forced themselves to live with their boyfriend and his Madden football and his pizza boxes piled up in the corner and his affinity for Jaeger bombs. Because they’ve grown up in the same culture that tells them this is acceptable behavior for guys our age.

No wonder women don’t see a problem with dating a guy 20 years their senior. They figure they won’t find a guy who acts like an adult unless he’s at least 40.

Our women don’t need more boys. They need, long for men. There is something programmed in them that tells them they need a guy who is strong, courageous, responsible. They need men who put the game system away, who decide to forget the bar because they have to do their taxes. They need men who have insurance and careers that are going somewhere – not so we can pay their credit card bill but so we can be counted on. They need men who are mature, hard working, willing to act like an adult.

They realize that one day, they might be married to us. One day, they might have children with us – and a boy doesn’t raise another boy very well. They realize that a husband who lets the mortgage payment go unpaid because they lost three grand in online blackjack isn’t really a desirable trait. Nor is a guy who refueses to put the hesitation aside and make the phone calls, pound on the doors, do the things they need to do to build a successful company or career.

The thing is, I think guys know this deep down. I think that in the recesses of our hearts we know that we’re meant to be more. There is a reason we grew up admiring He-Man, a reason we look up to certain guys who have their acts together. We know that within us lies a tremendous amount of energy and power. But we’re afraid of what might happen if we tap into that power. It represents a risk – a risk because people will start counting on us, start respecting us, start admiring us.

And if we fail, if we’re not good enough, then our worst fears about ourselves will be confirmed. Easier to not step out of the door and always wonder whether you’re good enough than step out, get run over and confirm you’re not up to the task.

Last weekend, I had one of those moments. I wanted to crawl back into a shell, to play it safe. My fiance saw all of it – saw the fear, saw the nightmare playing through in my mind. And what she said really shook me up – she said that as her husband, it doesn’t matter whether I hit a bunch of home runs or fall on my face over and over again. What matters is that I have the courage to face who I am, to face the power I have within me and own up to it.

It’s the difference between being a man and a boy, and at the end of the day it’s the only thing that matters.

It’s not a problem in that it often works – for whatever reason, many projects I’ve undertaken have been successful for just this reason. But it’s a problem because I’m often closing a door to the mundane as a result.

We as a people don’t really like the mundane, the practical. We shy away from jobs that need to be done, instead looking for the jobs that have great titles and prestige but no lasting impact. We avoid doing the two or three simple things that would ensure a life of physical well-being, opting instead to make bold New Years resolutions and try to lose 30 pounds in a month. We decide to plan elaborate parties for those we love, inviting everyone we know and spending a fortune in the process…but fail to do the simple, tiny things that make the object of our affection know that we love them every day.

We choose big and public over small and hidden. We want to do something remarkable and great – and let everyone see how remarkable and great we are in the process.

You’d think pulling it off would be enough, but it rarely is. Once we’ve tasted success, made our big score, proved to everyone that we’re smart enough or beautiful enough or talented enough to succeed…we have to do it again. We’re trapped intro thinking that the only problems that should be solved are the big ones, the only battles worth fighting are the public ones, the only lives worth leading are the admired ones.

We can’t for the life of us understand why an author or musician stops after one hit record to be a mother. We can’t comprehend why an athlete would retire after winning their first championship to join the ministry. The idea of a Fortune 500 CEO leaving their post to be a teacher? Impossible.

There are enormous problems in the world that need people’s help. But there are also tiny problems in the world that need a great many more folks pitching in. There’s the school down the road that can’t afford an after school program and could desperately use some volunteers. There’s the church looking to help feed some homeless people this weekend. There’s your father or mother or sister or brother or cousin who you got in a fight with six months ago and haven’t talked to since. There’s the boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife who wonders if you still love them.

Since college, I’ve been a great boyfriend and a great worker. I’ve been a lax son, an even worse friend and a miserable brother. I’ve gained 30 pounds, haven’t donated nearly enough of my time or energy or resources, and have turned down countless opportunities to do important, soul-filling work in obscurity. I’ve worked countless hours doing work with concrete, very visible deliverables, ignoring many other things in the process. My agenda has been focused on what’s big and public and remarkable, often at the expense of what’s small and unnoticed and truly worth doing.

Truth is, no one’s life is going to be improved that significantly by my interface design. No one’s life is going to be forever altered for the better because you closed that deal with the big foods conglomerate, or because you wrote that article in the paper about the top 10 places to buy a handbag.

But that $5 bill you gave that guy on the corner? That might have kept him from going hungry tonight. When you got home from work, threw your bags down, ran to your girlfriend and told her how much she meant to you? That was probably the most important thing you did all day. That prayer you said for your coworker as you were falling asleep? That could end up changing their life.

In a world where everyone is clawing to be more important, more visible, the guy who’s really blessed is the guy who’s too busy changing their world to care whether you or I are paying attention.