I had a long conversation with my old friend Courtney last night. She’s heading down to Tanzania for six months, her second trip to the country. This time she’s helping an organization that trains rats to a) find and detonate land mines, and b) identify tuberculosis (apparently by smelling a petri dish with a saliva sample they can correctly identify TB with a higher success rate than doctors.)
I’ve been friends with this girl for 10 years, and the entire time her life has been a shining example of someone making a difference. Whether it was working with rape victims in college or helping AIDS patients or teaching African communities about gender equality or planning events to raise money supporting ecotourism and sustainable development or working with Make-A-Wish or genius rats…everything has been about helping others and trying to address some of the largest problems in society today.
When we were in high school together we were often lumped together when people would talk about overachieving students – we were in the same organizations, went to the same functions, were offered the same scholarships.
And then our paths diverged. I decided to go into business and she went into non-profit work. Which would be fine, if we had both held onto the ideals that drove us. But one of us forgot about most of what he cared about. One of us forgot that his life and talents and abilities aren’t ultimately for the benefit of himself but for the world around him.
One of us abandoned service while the other came to epitomize it.
It’s hard realizing how far off that track I went. It’s not just a matter of the organizations you choose to work for – helping kids find a college and then stay in school is a noble enterprise. It’s more about motive – what drives me to do what I do. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s almost entirely about doing work that I enjoy personally and being rewarded for it – no more, no less.
My wife and I talk often about our goals – what we think we want to be doing in 5 years, 10 years. And until recently, those conversations centered around where we wanted to live, what kind of house we wanted, the places we wanted to visit, when the right time would be to have little ones, etc. When work came up, I’d talk about the entrepreneurial venture I’d start that’d bring me excitement and challenges (and if I’m honest, rewards for my bank account and my ego.)
I recently heard a sermon talking about this couple that followed a similar path. They worked hard and saved and were able to retire early, and spend the rest of their lives traveling around the world, gathering photos and seashells and memories of wonderful food and activities. And when they died and got to Heaven, God asked them what they did with their lives, with the time granted them. All they could offer him was a handful of pretty seashells. The pastor’s conclusion – “What a colossal waste of life.”
Thankfully, those conversations in my house have started to change. I’m realizing (or more accurately remembering) that my life is supposed to be about more. I ache with sadness at the countless opportunities passed by over the last 10 years, but am starting to be encouraged about what I can do with my life in the future.
Though it will certainly manifest itself differently, I’m hopeful I will have the courage to follow in Courtney’s footsteps. I know there are no shortage of sedatives lurking around every corner, aiming to knock me back into a stupor of comfort and safety and self-centeredness until I wake up an old, greedy, miserable man. They’re opiates I’ve fallen for hundreds of times in these 10 short years, and it will certainly take effort to force my brain off the well-established track it’s found itself on.
It will require substantial changes in habits, in my choices about how I spend my time, what I read, what I dream about. It will require a lot of learning and re-learning – It’s been so long since I focused on things outside of my own needs and wants that I haven’t the faintest idea what directions I should start directing my energy and free time.
Luckily I’m not alone – I have a small group of people that can serve as my inspiration and sounding board, my muse and my source for accountability. And in my wife I have the most concentrated ball of energy and support and love anyone has ever been fortunate enough to be around. And ultimately I have a God that has probably been waiting for me to wake up for a long time, and that wants more than anything to take the special gifts he’s given me and use them to make the amazing creation that is his world a little better.
