Sean Johnson - Intentionally - The Education of Sean Johnson

For the majority of the past five years I’ve worked either remotely or as an independent contractor. Which means I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in various Starbucks across the country.

During that time I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend. Whoever chooses the music to play in Starbucks has a ridiculous habit of playing the music I listen to. It’s become a joke that if I find some new band I love and play it with any regularity, it’s a virtual certainty that within 90 days it will appear at a Starbucks near you.

I’ve come to the conclusion that they are spying on me. They poured millions of dollars into the infrastructure to provide wireless access for the express purpose of finding out what I listen to.

Think about it - why else make me create an account? They obviously found out that I would be traveling around the country and would need to know which Starbucks I was visiting on any given day. The expense is worth it for them - they make plenty on music sales. And I’m not going to get into the technology specifics - let’s just say that I’ve seen a lot of movies that confirm that they can easily hack into my machine without my knowledge and check out my iTunes playlists.

I’ve always admired my absurd ego, even about trivialities like musical tastes ability to find musicians just before they were “discovered”. But it wasn’t until now that I realized they’re always discovered by Starbucks.

In the past five years, they’ve stolen (that’s right, STOLEN) Norah Jones, Zero 7, Gotan Project, Ryan Adams, Damien Rice, Justice, Feist, Sia, and Ingrid Michaelson (that one’s insane - her boyfriend was one of my colleagues at work, we saw her play at a hole-in-the-wall in New York in 2006, I put her on my machine….and you know the rest.)

Now I’m not suggesting that I found these people myself - of course someone else tipped me off. But you can time it - roughly three months after I get hooked on someone, they get placed in heavy rotation at the coffee behemoth.

Given this, I would suggest one of two things:

1. Starbucks just put me on retainer, call me up once a month and ask me what they should play. I’d make some extra money on the side, they’d save on all those spies, everyone wins.
2. Artists should feel free to contact me and send me their music. For a reasonable sum, I’ll play it on my machine, and in 90 days you’ll be rich.

One of these options would provide suitable compensation for the service I’m providing them. At the very least I should get all the coffee I want.

Who wants to bet on how long it’ll take for The Autumn Film to appear at a coffee shop near you?