Manhood is a diffiult thing to accomplish.
In the past few weeks, I’ve had a number of female friends talk with me at length about their difficulty in ‘finding a good man.’ Indeed, this seems to be something that plagues most women I’ve met (other than the ones I’ve dated, of course.) On occasion I’ve heard similar sentiments echoed by men, but it’s been rare – their problem is usually not being happy with the women they have.
On the surface, the search for a good man doesn’t sound too difficult – women generally want someone who is funny, down-to-earth, who makes them feel like they’re beautiful and fun to be around, and who is at least marginally attractive. There’s a segment out there that feel material wealth is important (not sure whether this is due to their biological need for security, or the fact that their purses are SOOO too summers’ ago,) but by and large I don’t find women to be that interested in money.
So why is the search for a good man so difficult? Are women just looking in the wrong places?
I don’t think so. I tend to think that there is a significantly larger pool of talented, intriguing, fantastic women out there than there are men. I would submit that great men are in increasingly short supply.
Why is that? What defines a ‘great man?’ What are the characteristics and qualities that make a man one to be admired, respected?
When we think of great men, we often think of people like Michael Jordan or Bono or Steve Jobs. But we’re referring to what these people represent, which isn’t much – their great athleticism, their humanitarianism, their business instincts. We have extremlely myopic picutes of these men – they’re cardboard cutouts.
Think of the people you know, the men you talk to and interact with on a day-to-day basis. Do you know a man who you’d define as ‘great?’ What are the qualities you see in them? What makes them someone worth admiring or respecting?
I look into my life and find great men in extremely short supply. In New York, I’m surrounded by men driven by power, status, and possessions. Men who think that a $300 pair of jeans or a first-name relationship with the bouncer at some club is what will put them over the top with a potential mate. They think that the value of their portfolios, or what they pay in rent, or how much they spent on alcohol last night is interesting conversation. They truly believe that unless they are waxed, trimmed, ripped and bronzed, they won’t stand a chance with the girl of their dreams. They think that by rising to the head of the class in what is essentially an enormous high school they will be happy, healthy, respected and loved.
Back home isn’t much better. My time in Colorado was divided between two worlds – the first was found in the pews of 20-something groups in churches all over the state. They aren’t drunks, they are often extremely intelligent, and are very thoughtful. They believe the way to a woman’s heart is through respect, and respect is best conveyed by standing on opposite ends of the room and avoiding eye contact. They’ve been raised thinking that their masculinity is somehow a bad thing, and they grow up trying to be as timid as possible. Their anger or frustration or hurt feelings are rarely confronted head-on, but rather take the form of passive-agressiveness. They’ve chosen to take a difficult road in search of a honest, moral girl, but often end up extremely frustrated and very alone.
The second group was the world of the guy out of college but desperately wishing he wasn’t. Colorado Springs is full of thousands of guys, all spending weekend after weekend at the same five bars, hanging out with the same kids they played football with in junior high, with two goals for the evening – meet and charm a beautiful girl with their stories of past glory, and make the best penis joke.
I’m making gross generalizations, and I understand that. But I have story after story of women who can’t find a guy worthwhile. The men they meet seem nice enough, but underneath the surface lies a string of extremely common blemishes – vanity, greed, envy, self-loathing, guilt, anger, bitterness, and messed-up priorities. These guys routinely make their women feel ugly, stupid, useless, unworthy of being loved.
Some may argue that a great man is a very difficult thing to define, but I don’t think it is.
A great man is honest – with others, with himself. He isn’t afraid to point out his flaws, but confronts them openly. He lets you know that he is bruised and broken, just like we all are – and lets you know that it’s okay.
A great man is outgoing – not in a used car salesman kind of way, but in a “I like getting to know people, because I appreciate that they have something extremely special and compelling about them” kind of way. They make you feel like you are the most important person in the room, because to them you actually are.
A great man loves variety – they cherish new experiences and surroundings. They constantly look for ways to stretch themselves, to learn things they didn’t know before, to see things that they haven’t seen before. They aren’t afraid to challenge who they are and what they believe in.
A great man has a sense of humor – they recognize that laughter is one of humanity’s greatest gifts. Their jokes are kind, sincere, and heartfelt – not meant to cut someone else down but to make everyone around them feel good.
A great man loves creativity for its own sake – they’re able to appreciate a painting or piece of architecture or the accomplishments of a business without envy. They love that things exist, and care not who it was that made it.
A great man is generous – with his time, his money, his attention, his energy. He recognizes that the things that remain in this world have nothing to do with the cars or the houses or the jeans, but rather with the time spent with others, the charities granted to those who need it, the personal conversations had with hurting friends.
A great man cherishes their friends and family – they develop close relationships with people and go out of their way to make their loved ones actually feel that love. They call often, visit often and actively try to make those close to them feel special.
A great man loves women, but in a different kind of way. They look at women as the pinnacle of creation – beautiful, intelligent, soft, loving, emotionally-connected in a way they never can be, nurturing, and in most ways their superior. They don’t belittle them, don’t try to puff themselves up at the woman’s expense, would never think of hurting them. They understand that a woman wants to be wrapped up in an adventure, wants to be treated as the beautiful creation that they are, and wants to be reminded constantly of how utterly unique and perfect they are. Their eyes don’t wander, their hearts don’t covet what is not theirs, and they feel extremely blessed to have the women that they have.
A great man believes they are part of a plan, that they are put on this earth for a reason, to play a part in a story. They aren’t afraid to tell others about that story, aren’t afraid to pass up opportunities because of that story, aren’t afraid to suffer because of that story. Their belief in that story does not make them weak, but it does make them patient, humble, kind-hearted, generous and self-controlled. It gives them a heart unafraid to love unconditionally and regardless of reciprocity. It makes them able to stand up to injustice, makes them able to recognize when they’ve screwed up, makes them confident that their lives are headed somewhere. It gives them a heart full of love, because they already know that they receive love to a degree they could never fully appreciate or understand. They see people not as evil, but as broken, hurt, missing a piece of their hearts. And they live each day hoping to help people find that missing piece, to let them know that regardless of what happens in this fast-paced, McDonalds and Ipod and television world, that they are loved – by the great man, and by the great man’s Father.
This kind of man can’t help but be respected, admired – and ironically this kind of man couldn’t care less about having such respect or admiration. This kind of man is rare indeed – this kind of man would change our world, our companies, our governments, our relationships.
I wish there were more men like this – I wish I were like this myself.
