Sean Johnson - Intentionally - The Education of Sean Johnson

I have something of a dilemma - I don’t know what to buy people. In the midst of the bustle of New York, with the faint din of cash registers ringing incessantly around street corners, I haven’t the slightest idea what to give anyone this year.

I used to be very good at this sort of thing. I used to be able to make a plan, to collect information and notes and thoughts and ideas about everyone who was close to me, and then work to identify the ideal gift for each of them. It was something I took tremendous pride in (surprise, surprise) – and now, like so many other things, I feel as though I’ve lost it.

I’m sure part of it has to do with the fact that my mind is preoccupied with work for much of the day. I’m sure that part of it is a visceral revolt on the part of my body to the crass materialism that is constantly on display in the city. Whatever the cause, scouring catalog after catalog wondering whether so-and-so would prefer the bath salts or the wax footbath is excruciating.

We always talk about it being the thought that counts, and I always fancied myself as one who was particularly thoughtful. Someone likes a rap group, get them a framed LP. Someone likes golf, get them a round at a tour-rated course. But I wonder if this is what being thoughtful is really about.

What am I saying with this? I feel more and more like it’s saying, “I’ve searched my thoughts and feelings and memories about our relationship, and from that I’ve managed to distill it down into something that I think you’ll find extremely meaningful, something that you will cherish for years to come – a fondue set.”

It’s not that a round of golf or a pot for melted cheese is a bad gift – I’d love to play a great course like that, and who doesn’t love fondue? But am I being thoughtful? Am I being genuine? Or am I playing a big matching game – a big game of inputs to outputs?

We have a product at work that is able to match student information with content that they would ideally be interested in. I’m sure these students are surprised to see that a client of ours actually knows what they’re interests are and took the time to send them information that fits those interests. But do they find the school more thoughtful? Do they feel like the school knows them as a person, cares about who they are and wants nothing more than to see them happy?

It’s pretty unrealistic and unfair to expect something like that from a university, but it’s entirely reasonable to expect it from those closest to us. The thing is, I haven’t the slightest idea what conveys a message like that. My mind goes blank. A fishing pole? A cookbook? A sushi making set? A tie?

And then it hits me – I’m putting a ton of pressure on myself, and the risk is that by doing so I make Christmas another place where one has to perform. If anything, this should be the one time of year where none of that matters – my friends and family don’t care about the presents at all – they care that we’re able to be together again, able to spend time enjoying each other’s company and letting each other know that they’re important to us.

Maybe I’m stressing about all this because for the past year I haven’t been the best friend or family member. Maybe it’s because I’ve become increasingly more difficult to get a hold of, and once I’m reached I insult the person on the other line by having my head in the clouds. I certainly didn’t used to be like this – amazing what a year can do to a person.

I have a lot of people whom I love dearly who read this on a fairly regular basis. To those people, the only gift that I can offer is a promise – a promise to be more available to them. A promise to call more frequently. A promise to not let their calls go to voice mail, even if I’m busy. A promise to listen, to empathize the way I used to. A promise to love them the way they’ve all loved me whether I’ve earned it or not.

It’s not much, but it’s the only thing I can think of – the thing that my heart is screaming for me to give.

Don’t worry, you’ll still have some nice bath salts to go along with it.