Sean Johnson - Intentionally - The Education of Sean Johnson

I’ve never been at a point in my life where I was ‘fully engaged’ until now. And interestingly enough, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

My life has been characterized by a constant desire to pile more onto my plate. In school that manifested itself in joining as many student groups as humanly possible - an evening at home being unproductive was torture. If there was nothing going on of merit, I’d find myself at Barnes & Noble soaking up whatever interested me at the time and racking up a hefty coffee bill.

The business was characterized by an ever more voracious hunger to learn - partially because one quickly realizes that what you learn in business school is only remotely relevant to the day-to-day motions of running a small business, and partially because we didn’t have the torrential downpour of new business coming in that we were praying for. Those days also featured regular walks through Garden of the Gods and plenty of opportunities for reflection (many of which ended up here.)

Now, about 10 months into my time in New York, I’m finally at a place where I’m fully engaged. My responsibilities at work cross numerous departments - sort of a ‘jack of all trades, master of none’ type of deal. The great thing about it is that there’s always something new for me to do. The downside is that it’s absolutely exhausting.

I’ve been sitting in my office since 4 in the morning. On a Sunday. Because I couldn’t fall asleep. Because I’ve got too much to do. There’s something wrong with that picture.

Granted, I’ve brought this on myself. While the company does have a number of people who put in a lot of hours, a lot of folks are able to go home, go out for the night, have a good time. They’re able to disengage from what we do. I’ve put myself in a place where I don’t have that luxury.

Many nights I walk home from Starbucks as it’s closing, laptop bag in tow, and I pass by groups of people walking and talking without a care in the world. While it’s easy for me to shrug it off and tell myself that they’re just not as driven as myself, I know that’s not quite the truth.

I want to do a great job. I want to deliver a product that absolutely blows people away every time. On rare occasion, I actually pull it off. But at what cost?

What is it that you want to be remembered for? What would you want your friends to say about you at your funeral? That you were hard working? That you burned the midnight oil? That you were distant, hard to get a hold of, distracted when you talked with them?

What do I want my tombstone to say? That I successfully worked my way up the corporate ladder? That I generated x dollars in revenue for company y?

I so often talk in lofty terms about what truly matters. I write about how life is not in the work, in the job, in the design comps one puts together. And yet what do I spend 90% of my waking time doing or thinking about? What does that say about where my commitments lie? What does that say about what I value? If you were to see me walking down the street, would I be a picture of humility, patience, joy, peace, gentleness?

There must be a line. My life is literally at stake.