Sean Johnson - Intentionally - The Education of Sean Johnson

What is it about our greatness that frightens us so much?

It’s a question that has been nagging me for a very long time now. For years, I’ve looked at people who have had so much potential, and without fail have chosen to take a path of mediocrity. It makes me so sad.

I recently hit a wall in my life, prompted by a revelation. It was that revelation that helped me get out of Colorado, and put me on the seemingly ambiguous yet determined path I’m now on.

My life has been characterized by accomplishments that I should not have been able to pull off. Literally everything I’ve ever done with any amount of fervor has been successful. This is not said to brag - in fact, few things in life have brought me more confusion and, at times, frustration.

I’m a Christian guy, and I’ve been raised on a Bible that talks about how the meek inherit the earth, how suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope.

My life has been pretty devoid of suffering. Life has been a cake walk. And it has scared me to death.

At what point do I begin to suffer? If suffering is necessary to produce character, do I lack character? Does my ability and strength represent a barrier to a relationship with God?

These questions have been in the back of my mind for years, and they bubbled to the surface in the past year. There was a certain amount of paralysis, and it showed. I didn’t pursue the business back in Colorado with the passion I needed to make it work. I was questioning whether entrepreneurship was for me, and begin to look for the first time at the possibility of being in someone’s employ.

It was frustrating. Frustrating because, for the first time, I wasn’t putting much effort into things. Frustrating because for the first time I was becoming lazy. And frustrating because I was in love with someone who knew it. Someone who knew everyone’s lofty opinions of me, of my opinions of myself, and was willing to say it was a bunch of crap.

In many ways, she was a misguided girl. But when it came to diagnosing my funk, she unknowingly helped me uncover what had been eating at me all those years.

Deep down, in spite of the success I had achieved, I knew something: I had yet to really try. I had yet to live up to my potential, yet to truly harness the ability given to me. It finally began to tear me apart, and she was there to see it all.

The entire time I was pursuing goals or coming up with ideas, I was dealing with two conflicting feelings: pride, and guilt. I spent a considerable amount of time writing about the pride issue, trying to embarrass myself in a public forum to kill the demon. The writing became somewhat popular, which fed the beast. I was left even more egotistical than I was before - which had the unfortunate side effect of increasing the guilt as well. There didn’t seem to be an end to it.

Of all the sins, pride is the most difficult one to conquer. I’ve learned that lesson well. But I discovered something recently that changed my course, that righted my ship gone astray: my pride was not only a sin, but was in fact keeping me from living up to my potential.

Because I grew up knowing my talent, and because I knew that with even a modest amount of effort I could do very well, I put my life on cruise control. Life was a cake walk, because I did just enough to be successful. I was accomplishing things, but I was holding back. And I was holding back because my pride blinded me to the fact that I was deathly afraid of what I could truly be.

What is it about our greatness that frightens us so much?

There are times in our lives when we feel greater than we are. We take a hike and get a rush upon reaching the summit. We look into the eyes of a beautiful woman who is taken by us, or into the eyes of a man whose strength we admire, and we feel like we could take on the world.

Sadly, we spend most of our lives trying to kill this feeling. We tell ourselves that we are naive to trust that feeling - that it is childish or silly. We dismiss it as some sentiment from the past, that has no real substance or grounding in real life. In church, we’re taught not to trust this feeling for fear that it will lead to pride or send us down a dark path that leads to a wall being constructed between us and God.

But, in spite of the rationalization, our hearts refuse to give up on it. We still find ourselves paying ridiculous amounts of money to sit in theaters and watch two lovers overcome the odds and find each other - and it’s worth it to us, to get that lump in the throat or capture that lost feeling for a few fleeting moments.

There is indeed something underneath the surface of most of us that refuses to die. It’s a feeling that is impossible to describe or attach a name to. But it’s there - the desire to be a part of something larger than ourselves.

This feeling scares the hell out of us. It scares the hell out of me. It’s what has kept me on the sidelines of life, taking my accomplishments and the pride that comes with them, and refusing to take on a true challenge. I’ve lived a life that settled for everyone telling me how great I was, rather than knowing in my heart that I’ve stretched myself to the fullest extent of my ability.

Continuing to live that way, I can see clearly the path that would be possible. I could live a life building a company, finding a wife, settling down into a house, having some kids, going to church, being a good citizen. And then what? Is that my story? My adventure? Is that the passion that burns in the deepest parts of my soul that refuses to be extinguished?

That’s a path I could live in my sleep. That would not challenge me. That would not be a path God would want for me - something I’ve realized recently.

In spite of the “worm theology” that many of us have grown up with, the fact is that we are not terrible, useless people but for the grace of God. Go back and read the story again. God made us in his image - an image of greatness. The taint of sin tarnished our glory, and the rest of the Bible is an epic story about God trying to win us back, to restore that glory. We are called “more than conquerors,” we are called to embrace the glory set within our hearts.

We are meant to make something of our lives, to shun mediocrity, and to finally embrace the glory that God has given us.

That feeling inside of us that refuses to die? I’ve come to believe that it is the knowledge that God has something very big planned for our lives.

That intense fear of living up to what we’re meant to be? I’ve come to believe that is the enemy’s all too effective method for keeping us asleep, living lives of mediocrity and convenience - lives spent anticipating our next performance review that will move us up to second deputy assistant for the logistics division at XYZ Corp., a promotion that would allow us to trade in our Taurus for a newer Accord and still have some money left over to contribute to our 401(k) plan.

In the quiet moments of the night or the earliest moments of the morning, when there’s no one left to put a face on for, do you wonder if that’s all there is to your life? Is that supposed to be your story? Have you “given up on storybooks?”

What is it about our greatness that frightens us so much?