It appears as though I have a problem.

Most people I know who believe in God do so in a very emotional way. They have a relationship that allows them to experience a deep connection with the Eternal. They don’t seem to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about the deep philisophical questions related to their faith. They just believe, and as a result experience a level of peace in their lives that most of us dream of.

My faith in the Lord is strangly opposite. It’s grounded in philosophy, in historical accounts, and in thinking through the alternatives and finding them all wanting. I was raised in the church, but to a certain extent had a skeptical mind. It wasn’t until I took the time to learn about the reasons behind the Christian faith that I became a true believer myself.

It’s nice not wondering about the answer to that all-important question “Is there a God?” It’s nice to be able to defend my faith against people who challenge it (a pretty common occurence during my school days.)

But the emotional is missing.

I don’t “feel” God’s presence. I haven’t since junior high. It’s a problem. It leaves me restless, constantly wanting more. For years I’ve wondered why I couldn’t experience the closeness that people new to the faith had with God. It drove me nuts.

But I finally think I’ve figured it out.

It’s because of all this stuff I write about. It’s because of the cracks in my character that have led to all the behavior I’ve exhibited. I’ve been what Kierkegaard called “double-minded” (actually he took the phrase from James.) I’ve believed in God, but lived my life for the world. I’ve not been willing to sacrifice things I enjoyed to “take up the cross.”

We like to look at people who aren’t believers and who sin and we like to judge them. I’ve been guilty of it. But I think that in a way my behavior in the past has been worse than theirs.

They can claim ignorance. I knew full well what was right and wrong, what God commanded me to do. But I’d do the opposite anyway. I wasn’t ignorant; I was rebellious.

In talking about all of this with a close friend of mine, he told me that it might be because I don’t really have a fear of the Lord. Which is understandable.

If he brought floods and fire and brimstone to the earth, I’d proably be afraid. But he doesn’t anymore.

If he opened up the earth and swallowed sinners, I would be afraid. But he doesn’t anymore.

If he came down to the Earth and stood in front of me, if he talked to me while I was sitting in a crowd, if I watched him get crucified and then rise from the dead, I know I’d be afraid. But he’s not walking around with us anymore.

In a world full of scientific theories that insist on explaining everything (and on believing wholeheartedly in their theories even when they don’t work,) in a world full of big budget movies and special effects that are so real it numbs you when two skyscrapers fall down, in a world where man can create two bombs and win an entire war with them, it becomes hard to have a genuine fear of the Lord. But that doesn’t excuse us from doing so.

Without true fear, I can’t truly appreciate God’s power.

Without a true appreciatiuon of the power, I can’t truly repent for everything I’ve done against his will (if I don’t really believe that my actions have eternal consequences, how could I truly repent?)

And without true repentance, I can’t have the kind of closeness I desire so much.

Listening to the testimony of new Christians, it’s easy to see why they have that relationship. They almost invariably were living a life that was going to lead to their destruction (not just spiritually but physically and emotionally.) They were suddenly or not-so-suddenly confronted with the depths of their sin. They came face to face with the true power of the Lord, and they broke down. They repented of their sins with everything within them, and begged the Lord to come into their lives and save them.

These people were truly suffering. They were in despair. And they truly felt the power of the Lord.

Contrasting that with my life, it’s like I don’t even have a testimony. “I was raised in the church, have pretty much always believed it, but have spent the last 8 years ignoring the majority of what my beliefs force me to be accountable for. And I don’t have the kind of relationship with God that you all have, and that I desperately want.”

The past six months have featured a ridiculous transformation in my life. But I’m not quite there. I need that fear of the Lord. I need to truly understand what my sins mean, and know that my salvation comes only from the grace of the Lord. And I need to know all of this in my heart, not just my head.

I’m not sure how to get there. Honestly, I don’t think I can do it myself. So I’m praying for it. Constantly.

I figure that’s a good start.